Are we climbing the wall or just walking around it? How we handle conflict matters. Let’s talk about doing it biblically. Join us this Sunday!

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OPENING ILLUSTRATION:

When I was an elementary kid, something I hated was in gym class they would set up this wall that we had to run, jump, and climb over…  If you couldn’t get over the wall, you had to walk around and up onto the stage.  I was this chubby kid who would run at that wall and jump as high as I could, which was like 3 inches.  I’d hit the wall and kind of bounce off of it and have to just go around the wall…

What I found out as an adult is that “going around the wall” is what most people do…

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Rather than facing issues head-on, they gossip, manipulate, or stew.

Let me give you an example

ILLUSTRATION:

Early on in ministry, I had a parent who was upset with me about something.  “The wall” would have been to come and talk to me. Instead, she got together a whole bunch of other parents, and she had them all write down questions about my ministry.  They passed the questions to her and she started asking me questions…  Have you ever felt like you want to throw up?  I was young and didn’t know what to do.  She started asking questions under the guise of it being anonymous which were really her questions.  I was nervous and felt completely blindsided – thank God there was a guy there who finally stood up and said, “Who is asking these questions” No one answered and he said, “We’re done!” and all the parents walked out.  

She went around the wall instead of facing the wall – I’m not saying whatever her issue with me was wrong, I’m saying the way she handled it was wrong.

WE:

You’ve all seen this in your workplace, ever worked with someone who was underperforming and instead of going over the wall and dealing with the issue, the person was promoted?

It’s a weird way of getting a person out of a position rather than dealing with the issue…

When you try to go around “the wall” the problem is, the wall doesn’t go away, it just moves…  

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The question is, “How do you handle conflict biblically?”

ILLUSTRATION:

You ever have a conversation with your kid and you’re like, “ok, it’s time for you to mature a little bit…”  I don’t think of anyone in here as kids, but I will tell you, I’m preaching this because it’s time as Christians we mature and handle conflict the way Jesus would want us to because 

Of all the dangers I’ve seen in “the church,” the division caused by conflict poorly handled is the most dangerous of all.

So, today I want to do the rest of the sermon more like a Ted Talk.  I want to address 2 things…

1. Is it right for you to judge someone else’s actions?
2. How should I handle conflict biblically?

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1. Is it right for you to judge someone else’s actions?

We’ve all heard it before, right?  “The Bible says you aren’t supposed to judge people…”  That’s not actually what it says, did you know that?  Listen…

Matthew 7:1-3

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

Jesus’ warning is not to not judge – what His warning is that however you judge someone else is the standard by which you will be judged yourself… This is more about not condemning people than holding people accountable…

There is a difference between judging a person and calling a person to accountability …

1 Corinthians 5:12-13 

“¹² What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? ¹³ God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.””

Actually, as a Christian, you have a duty to look at the actions of your brothers and sisters and help make sure they are not dragging the name of Jesus through the mud…

I felt like I needed to point this out because sometimes people feel wrong about holding other Christians accountable, but this is part of what we are to do – the key is to do it with Love and Grace.  

1. How should I handle conflict biblically?

Matthew 18:15-20

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister^[a] sins,^[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’^{[c] 17} If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

ILLUSTRATION:

as a Lead Pastor, I will have people come up and tell me something they are mad about with someone else at the church.  My first question is always some version of this…

“Have you talked to them?”

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Jesus very clearly lays out the process for dealing with conflict in the body of Christ

1. Go point out their fault between the two of you
2. If they don’t listen, bring one or two other people with you to talk
3. If they still don’t listen, bring them before the church leadership
4. If they still refuse, treat them like someone who doesn’t know Jesus

Do you know what typically happens in churches nowadays?

1. Gossip to your small group, other volunteers, or others about it and get a bunch of other people mad who previously were happy
2. Go straight to someone in authority and complain to them so they can deal with it
3. Make a passive-aggressive social media post 
4. Leave the church and complain about them at your next church

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This lack of maturity in handling conflict and sin in the church is devastating the body of Christ in our world…  

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Jesus’ call to handle this relationally and head-on is hard, but it’s healthy…

CLOSING ILLUSTRATION:

Some of the bravest people I know sit in this room around you and you don’t even know it.  They are people who have had conversations with someone who loved them who called out their sin and they listened, and they stuck with Jesus and they fought for a relationship with Him and they didn’t give up and they have matured beyond what you can even imagine.

Look, I’m not advocating for you to go looking for people and go on a witch hunt, that would be the worst thing.  What I’m advocating for is when you do see something wrong, that you go over the wall or you shut up.  You do the hard thing and you walk with people through it.  You walk alongside of them because you know what it’s like to have had a 2×4 in your own eye and now you can help them with the splinter they’ve got in their own eye.  

One of the clearest examples I can think of was when a friend and mentor asked me a question when I was a new Christian and he said, “Kent, do you know what humility is?” I said, “No,” and he said, “Well, you don’t have any…”  Oof, he could have just talked to others about how arrogant I was and complained to people, but instead, he had a hard conversation with me, and part of the reason I’m still in ministry is because He did.  

I want you to be a disciple of Jesus – I want you to be growing in maturity in Him.  So, I’m calling on you – stop handling this stuff immaturely and go to the person and talk to them.  I’m not saying this because we have a problem with this in our church, I’m teaching it so we never do…

At Harmony, we are the kind of people who climb the wall, not go around it!

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