Main Theme: The sermon challenges the unrealistic and incomplete portrayal of relationships presented in romantic comedies and novels, and proposes that true fulfillment in relationships comes from striving for personal “holiness,” which the speaker equates with “wholeness.” This wholeness is achieved not through self-effort or focusing on fixing a spouse, but through a deeper relationship with God and allowing the Spirit to guide one’s actions.

Key Ideas & Facts:

• Rom Coms as Unrealistic Models: The speaker argues that cultural narratives like romantic comedies and novels shape our expectations and behaviors in relationships, often negatively. “A rom com, if you don’t know, is a romantic comedy… and the idea is that most of us, whether we know it or not, have taken a lot of the cues that we have in relationships from the stories that are told in our culture.” Rom Coms don’t show the reality of marriage. “Rom coms don’t tell us the whole story when it comes to relationships. They don’t. They share what’s funny. They share what makes for a good movie… but what they don’t share is what really works in a relationship and what doesn’t really work in a relationship.”
• The “Holes” in Relationships: The sermon acknowledges the presence of difficulties, disappointments, and “holes” that inevitably arise in long-term relationships. “What do you do when your whole story does finally come into focus and all you see are holes? What do you do then?” The sermon addresses situations like a spouse becoming withdrawn or constantly critical.
• Holiness as Wholeness: The speaker reframes the concept of “holiness” as “wholeness,” arguing that it’s about becoming the person God intended you to be. “If I could reframe how you think of holiness, because I think you should think of holiness as this. Holiness is wholeness.” This wholeness involves aligning oneself with God’s purpose and reflecting his character in one’s actions. It involves being a “whole” person.
• Shifting the Focus from Spouse to Self: The sermon emphasizes personal responsibility and discourages trying to “fix” one’s spouse. “I’m going to ask you to stop thinking about your spouse and the holes that they have. Start thinking about what you need to be whole… you can’t fix them.”
• Benefits of Holiness/Wholeness: The speaker outlines several potential benefits of striving for personal holiness:
• Independent Value: Gaining a sense of worth not dependent on others’ opinions. “Holiness gives you a sense of your value that isn’t dependent on someone else telling you your worth.”
• Forgiveness: Easier to admit faults and seek redemption. “Holiness offers forgiveness. You’re no longer trying to justify your faults.”
• Lasting Love: Experiencing and extending deep, lasting love. “There’s a deep, lasting love that restores and conditions your heart to be gracious.”
• Inner Peace: Finding peace amidst chaos. “Holiness gives you peace when chaos reigns.”
• Living in the Flesh vs. Living in the Spirit: The speaker draws on Galatians 5:19-26 to contrast life driven by selfish desires (“the flesh”) with a life led by the Holy Spirit.
• Acts of the Flesh: Lists negative behaviors associated with the flesh (sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissension, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies). “The acts of the flesh are obvious… I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this… will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
• Fruit of the Spirit: Presents positive qualities that emerge from a Spirit-led life (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control). “But the fruit of the spirit is this: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.” Against such things, there is no law.
• Crucifying the Flesh and Stepping with the Spirit: The speaker emphasizes that achieving the “fruit of the Spirit” isn’t about trying harder, but about “crucifying the flesh” (overcoming selfish desires) and actively “keeping in step with the Spirit” (seeking God’s guidance). “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and its desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”
• Practical Application: The “Where Are You?” Prayer: The sermon proposes a simple prayer as a means of connecting with the Holy Spirit: “God, where are you right now? Because I want to step with you.” This prayer encourages individuals to actively seek God’s presence and guidance in their daily lives.

Quotes highlighting Key Points:

• “Every good thing that you’ve ever done was really hard… Every good thing, Everything that was worth it.”
• “Holiness is wholeness. It is you being a whole person. Like, an actual person that God intended for you to be from the creation of all time and all space.”
• “What would it look like for you to become holy? For you to find wholeness, not your spouse?”
• “You can’t fix anybody else but yourself anyway. Don’t you know that? Haven’t you learned that you don’t have control over other people? You only have control over yourself.”
• “Stop focusing on fixing your sin and come to the one who can fix it.”

Overall Message: The sermon encourages listeners to move beyond the superficial and often damaging portrayals of relationships found in popular culture, and to embrace a deeper, more fulfilling understanding of love and connection rooted in personal spiritual growth and reliance on God’s guidance. It calls for a shift in focus from trying to change others to working on oneself, allowing holiness (wholeness) to transform relationships from the inside out.